Midnight Melody

Smoke smells wind through flowered trees
Nature is on bended knees
Magic and love is in the air
Mountains stretch with room to spare
Wind kisses earth, rain hugs the ground
Birds sing to hear the echoed sound
Grass springs forth brave and new
Morning greets with shining dew
Sunshine peeks with lustful sting
Senses perk at signs of Spring.

The Wall

Against a wall,
clothes tear,
hands in hair
nerves fall.

Passion and lust
breath short
ferme la porte
ultimate trust

Clothes strewn
heaving breasts
tangled chests
a naked room

Made me fall
made me moan
grunt and groan
against a wall.

The Cocoon...a poem for Spring.

The Cocoon
I keep wanting and wanting to catch up with this thing,
The words in my head would make this page sing!
But, I'm losing the words as they travel along,
From heart to my head, back and forth, like a song.
It's a thing of beauty one really could say,
That in 6 months I have come a long way.
From tears in my pillow and fear in my eyes,
From dark clouds above me and thunder in skies,
I came from the darkness and the sunshine came through,
I knew that others had felt that way too.
Time heals all wounds, the scar will always be there,
It shows those around us we know how to care,
I can love and lose and wade through the shit,
Though sometimes it felt like a bottomless pit.
I thought I was done, I was finished with men,
New sense of being, I'm beginning again.

I have a feeling...

I had to seize the opportunity to write. I'm fresh out of a eucalyptus, spearmint bath, still in a towel in fact (I know, saucy!) and I had to write down tonight's experience.

It was a very slow day at work (at Rock and Jade today) and ultimately, but unfortunately, the excitement for the day was what kind of fudge I was going to try next. Jeans are tight again already. Perhaps it will work in my favor. :)

I was feeling anxious, tired, and maybe a smidgeon stressed as my ex arrives in town tomorrow. I'm seeing him on Saturday. Maybe I'm more nervous and stressed than I thought. Nevertheless, I skyped with a very dear friend, someone who is my true kindred spirit, someone I connect with in the waking and sleeping life, someone I connect with on a spiritual level. The best, most rewarding kind of friendship. She's been studying how to do readings, meditation, etc.

She did a reading for me (several types actually) and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and the release of emotion hit me very quickly. She told me I had gotten through the worst and that I have been patient, and the road ahead will be much smoother. She told me my concerns about kids and marriage will be fulfilled, that my children are little innocent souls that will come to be, that I WILL have children. The funny thing was, all day today, the kids that came into the store made me long for my own so badly. An 11 day old baby made my heart shout with longing. They were on my mind a lot today and there's always that nagging feeling that I won't find someone who will give me that, something I know I will be a natural at. Being a mother is something I KNOW I was born to do. Amongst other amazing things of course. :)

She told me also that a new romance is on the horizon, someone new or someone I know through a friend. But, patience was key. Let life happen, enjoy this "incubation" period it was called. I'm crying just writing this...because I want these things so badly. I don't want the Porsche, the big house, the all inclusive vacations (however, a ladies week away is in the plans!), the material things that so many people are caught up in. Life is too short to worry about such silly things. For some reason, even when I am at my poorest, I have always had the belief that everything will be okay and that the Beatles were right, "All You Need Is Love".

I bought my first piece of gem/stone today; rose quartz. It is supposed to bring love to you and make you a more loving person. Not necessarily romantic love, just a surrounding love overall. It's going to sit on my windowsill, in the sunshine so it can project into the world just like the love and friendship I want to project into the world. You can call me crazy, you can call me a goody two shoes, but I am FIRM in my beliefs that all the above is true and will come to fruition. I've watched so many around me achieve happiness in their careers, love life and family....holy shit, it better be my turn NOW!

I have a feeling it will be worth the wait. :)

Two halves don't make a whole..

I KNOW I have to follow my own advice, what I've been telling my girlfriends for the past few months. No one will love you until you love yourself. You need to work on you. Fill your life with the things you love doing. I know it's a process. Everything I've done in the past few months, from my jobs to my hobbies have been to better myself and to give back in some way...but my GOD it gets lonely sometimes.

I do so well in a relationship. I'm happiest when I can make someone else happy. When I have someone to cook for, to have sex with, to cuddle with, to be proud of, to support, to share ideas with, and to be my best friend. What is with me? Geez, it's like I've forgotten all the female empowerment I learned in university and traded it in for a damn apron. It's so hard to admit this, but it's what I want, it's how I feel. I want to be loved and admired by someone who inspires me. Is it so much to ask?

Even if I could get a few dates, it would be nice. A chance to dress up, be nervous, stumble over words until the wine kicks in....I can't remember the last time I had a date other than the one that ended in verbal disaster a few weeks ago. (Long story, one I don't feel like telling - his fault, not mine) Where are the men who want to ask you on a formal date? Not the ones who want to sleep with you because you were one of the last available girls at the club last night. I'm worth so much more than that.

I swear if I have to read one more fucking marriage proposal or see one more slew of wedding photos on Facebook I'm going to roll my eyes in disgust and die of eternal jealousy. It's true. I'm jealous. I hate it. I want marriage and love and the goddamn baby carriage and Facebook is a constant reminder that I don't have it. It's not like I have all kinds of time either. I'm getting older by the day and there's no solution in sight.

I'm just frustrated and lonely. I need some romance in my life, someone to be excited over again.

P.S. The ex comes to Jasper in about a week, I'm sure there will be something to blog about after that experience.

The Forgotten Sailor
Don't forget about me,
I won't forget about you,
Says the man in the feminine floating canoe.

I am always here,
though sometimes I hide
I can be shy,
so look deeeeeep inside.

Stroke my head,
so softly at first,
Then pat me vigorously,
Hands, do your worst.

I just need some attention,
to be brought out of my shell,
If you use your tongue,
I swear not to tell.

So, remember I'm here,
I'm always keen to come out,
A little rough play is fine
I like to rock the boat. :)

E

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I used to think that was such bullshit, that feeling the loss after a love was the most horrible feeling in the entire world (selfish thought, but that's how I felt). It's only at 30 years old, that I can maturely look at this quotation and realize how very true it is. We have to be grateful for the experience that love offers, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much your heart physically hurts, that the experience of falling madly in love with someone shows you how to love another, how to give yourself to another human being. Of course, I'm only referring to this statement through the eyes of romantic love, but it applies to brotherly love, sisterly love, the whole kitten caboodle. 

If it wasn't for my ex I would have never seen Japan, Australia and New Zealand. That's a positive thing, but I guess what I've learned from the experience truly, is that I don't want someone who is only half invested in my goals in life and I don't want to throw my entire being into another person's goals. I learned that in order to be loved I truly have to love myself and accept my own flaws. 

It's the first time in my life that I accept my body exactly as it is (although I still need to quit smoking - groan!) and the first time I am perfectly happy being alone with my own thoughts. It doesn't scare me if I have NOTHING planned for the evening ahead. I can be selfish and use the time to relax, better myself and reflect on the day. 

With this person I have been dating, I have a strong feeling it isn't going to work out....but at least I know I am capable of giving myself to a relationship again. But, I have standards that I am unwilling to compromise on, and this person released a few "deal breakers" a couple days ago that I am not willing to bend over backwards to accommodate just so I can be in a relationship. It feels good to love me. Life is too short to waste it with someone who isn't worthwhile. 

Ahhhhh, it just feels so good to write those words and MEAN them. 

A wise person once said, "Love is friendship on fire" and that is exactly what I want, a friend who invokes passion deep within my soul and I'm not gonna quit until I get it. 

So if you're out there, even if you're reading this, you can swing by anytime, or not, it's not like I'm in a rush to escape this selfish lifestyle. I'm rather enjoying being a 30 something right now.

:)
Erin

It's rather incredible how much life can change in only a few short months...hard to believe I was grief stricken and depressed not so long ago...

I've started my new job at the daycare, and albeit, is is a challenge, I am definitely up for the challenge. I'm working one on one with a child who has some development delays, helping him to reach goals and learn to do things for himself. I work in the same room as the two year olds, and there is nothing better than getting to work, hot cup of tea in hand and being greeted by several knee high hugs. I couldn't find a better job! I think it will require a bit of research and some nightly reading to learn how to do this job well, but when you wake up on a Monday and don't mind going to work, the extra reading is worth it.

On another note, I've tripped and fallen into something I'm not sure how to define yet, or even if I should. I met someone a few months back, and he expressed interest, but I wasn't ready. I didn't even know how to look at someone the way it felt he was looking at me. But, I gave the guy my number and said we could try a date perhaps...a month and a half later I hadn't heard from him and had just assumed he had forgotten about me. Life was coasting along and then I walk into a local bar to watch some live music and there he is. I immediately winced, not sure of how our meeting would go, but he greeted me with a hug right away. I asked him what had happened, why he never called, and it turns out I had accidentally given him the wrong number. Oops. He got a hold of some Mexican guy. Sooooo, to sum it up, he's been over three times in the last week and I'm so smitten it's ridiculous.

I don't want to jinx anything, since I don't even know what this "thing" is yet, so that's all the detail I care to divulge.

If you see me on the street, I'll be the girl smiling like a complete fool and walking down the sidewalk like I'm floating. I missed this feeling, the rush of someone new, the excitement of getting to know someone, the knots in your stomach when you're about to see him. If anything, this is at least a lovely way to move on....and if it turns into something more, well, I think I've done my time with the ones that don't work to deserve one that finally does.
:)

20 Things

20 Things You May Not Know About Me...

1. I have never had a driver's license.
2. As a child, I was terrified of the dark. As an adult, I can not and refuse to watch scary movies.
3. There are only five things I will not eat: smoked eel, chicken knuckles/guts (Thank you Japan), pickled eggs, okra, and tripe.
4. I have two cowlicks at the front of my head. They stick out like horns. This is why you will never see me with bangs.
5. High School was the worst time of my entire life. (So far)
6. I've been in a fist fight with another girl. I won. She got kicked out of the bar. I laughed at her through the window. Not my proudest moment, but I can throw a punch if need be.
7. I've never had a cavity.
8. I like the size of my body. I don't care that I'm not a size 5.
9. I paint, usually with acrylics, but am open to trying new mediums.
10. I've done singing telegrams to make extra $$ and it was the most fun, easy money I ever made.
11. I'm in the local theatre group. My next acting gig is a sexual therapist. Come see our show to find out the juicy details.
12. I believe in fate, a higher power, the afterlife and ghosts.
13. One of my favorite things to do in the evening is have a hot bath. I have one almost everyday.
14. I am the shortest person in my family with the smallest feet. I am 5'7" and have size 10 feet.
15. My toes are freakishly long. Seriously, ask me to see them.
16. I am addicted to internet games.
17. My favorite color is purple. The color of royalty, wine, and fun!
18. I am a sucker when someone runs their fingers through my hair. I fall asleep in minutes.
19. I don't speak to my father. Long story. It usually is. :)
20. I am 30. I just accepted my first job in my chosen career path. I am officially employed at the Jasper Daycare as an enhancement employee!

"...and if he doesn't exist, I'll never die of a broken heart"

One of my favorite movies is "Practical Magic"...the story of two sisters, raised as witches, under the shadow of a terrible curse that kills off any man who dares to fall in love with them. My favorite scene is below, watch it from beginning to end (come on, it's only 3 minutes!!). I'm going to weave my own spell for a man, half of me hoping I never fall in love, and the other half not believing in curses.

Bear with me, I'm a romantic, right to the core. I'm not saying a man is necessary to complete my life, but it sure does make it less lonely sometimes.

My True Love Spell
He'll love music, or be able to sing, or play an instrument. He'll sing to me in a crowd or all alone.
He'll be determined, positive and driven.
I will inspire him to be those things above.
He'll have color in his wardrobe. I don't do black and grey, too boring.
He'll have a very corny sense of humor, the cheesier the joke, the better.
He'll love to cook, even if he doesn't always succeed at it.
He'll enjoy nights out, having a few drinks, but will enjoy nights in, snuggled up with me, a lot more.
He'll want to have kids and get married.
He'll be romantic, doing little things to make me smile (love notes, massage, surprise dates, etc)
He'll think I'm beautiful, even when I'm not. Fresh out of bed on a Sunday morning or when I'm ready for a night out, it won't matter.
He'll want to see more of the world with me. Not without me.
He'll love my family even though they drive him crazy, and I'll do the same for him.
His job will never come before me.
He'll give the best hugs.
If I'm sick he'll take care of me, and vice versa.
He'll go to theatre with me, plays, musicals, whatever. Even chick flicks. (Although I know secretly, he won't enjoy it)
He'll give me time with my girlfriends. Frequently.
He'll be proud of me, want to share his life with me, and love me unconditionally.

I know, deep down, there isn't a man like this out there. But, there's no harm is wishing, is there?

Erin

Energy trap?

Okay, so it's not just me having a shitty week? Literally everyone I have spoken to about this has had the most off week of the year. Alright, I know we're only one week in, but regardless, it's been such a roller coaster of crap this past week. One friend has been worked like crazy, another has the flu, another lost a dear friend very quickly, another had a bike stolen (and returned - thank goodness) and even another had a long list of stuff since Christmas that I can't even begin to remember.

So, what I'm thinking is this whole Mayan calendar thing was spot on; we are experiencing a change in the world as we know it, the "dawning of a new era". However, I would like to think and hope that this isn't the case since most experiences as of late have been negative. What I would think (and you can believe what you want) is that this little mountain town we all love, nicknamed the Jasper "bubble" somehow actually did create a dome over itself and trapped some super negative energy over us and it's just hovering.

That, or it's January. :)

Thus, 2013, a new year, is a time for new something. A new life shall we say? Nah, sounds too cliche. How about a new plan, because the old one sure ain't working. No, it's the dawning of MY NEW ERA. Nailed it!

So far, I've barely smoked at all since the year change. I am not interested anymore. I love to sing and cigarettes are starting to inhibit my ability to do so. Thus, I'm not saying I won't have one occasionally, BUT as for actually buying the damn dirty things, not this girl. No more coughing, no more gagging. DONE.

Alcohol. I'm done drowning my sorrows. I am allowing myself to feel sad, but limiting it. Alcohol sure doesn't help when you're depressed. Initially it makes you feel up, but then you crash...HARD. I am so not into that anymore. I love a glass of wine, and I won't deny myself that, but as for "partying"? No thank you. I just can't physically do it anymore. I think if a special occasion comes up (St Patrick's Day for example, and even then I won't if I work the next day) I will consider it. But, the effects of it scare me. I've got no more room for depression triggered by too many beer.

I am trying to drink more water, eat as well rounded as possible (although it's hard when you're flat broke) and have more baths. I'm getting back involved with the theatre company (had a very successful meeting last night) in order to have something extra curricular. I have rekindled my love for peppermint tea and writing (hence all the blog posts lately).

On that subject of writing, I know some of you read my last post, the poem. I did not intend to raise alarm, writing for me is my way of release, of venting. That poem was sad and powerful, and may have read differently to some people than I intended it to. I am sad, I am depressed, but trust me, there is light, I can see it and the storm is beginning to blow away. But, thanks for your concern, it's nice to know I have friends and support out there, and honestly, it's nice to know people actually read this thing. :)

Thus, I really need to mend these pieces of myself before anyone else will even consider loving me. I am so not ready to be in a relationship. I'm being selfish, I'm working on me. I feel like a bit of a broken record, but this whole few months has been such a process. Groan. I hate it. It's necessary, but it blows.

Wish me luck.

Erin

The Kite

The storm blew in, unforgiving and fierce;
And I was a kite on a string.
It broke my spirit, it changed my heart.
It ruined everything.

It made me cry, it made me lost;
I can not find my way.
The clouds are too thick, the rain is too cold.
I miss the light of day.

It cut me off, I lost the world;
I do not know where to go.
It made me numb, it made me wince;
And then it started to snow.

I'm buried deep in sadness,
I'm covered in the cold.
The darkness has set in,
but the tears are getting old.

I want to fight this storm,
I want the clouds to break.
I want the tears to stop,
and my heart not to ache.

Sleep brings me no comfort,
for the storm rages on.
And when the morning comes,
there is no breaking dawn.

I pray for the sunshine,
I pray for the light.
I pray for the dreams
not to torture me at night.

I want this nightmare to be over,
I just want it all to end.
I want to try and forget,
that I've lost my closest friend.

"I bruise like a peach"

I am so glad 2012 is over. It's really too bad the sadness that came with the end of that year can't just stay in that year, in the past.

It's New Years Day and I've got all the typical symptoms, exhaustion, shame and a headache. I tried to be smart today and got on the water immediately, took some ibuprofen and had the lunch of champions.

I went to a New Years house party and it was fun, but I'm getting too old for this. I would have preferred to snuggle up with someone special, watch a movie with a bottle of wine and be in bed shortly after 12. I don't know how to be single. I just want to be back in my safe, somewhat happy relationship again.

I'm finding myself really missing him a lot lately. Maybe it's the holidays, all the wedding engagements...whatever it is, I'm sad. I can hold a smile for the most part, but it feels fake a lot of the the time. I've lost count with how many times I have said out loud, "Why, why, why didn't you want this, why didn't you want me? I still feel so rejected, so lost, so alone. I just want this grief to be over.

I want him to come back from overseas and BEG for me back, to say he made a mistake, that he loves me and he does want to marry me. That he misses his best friend, like I miss mine.

I'm sure these depressing blog posts are getting old. I had no idea that the depression part of this break up would hang on for so long.

I think perhaps I need to make some positive life changes. I need to get out of here for one thing, it's past its expiry date for me. There's nothing left for me here. No money to be made, no further education and the winters are too damn long. I don't ski either, and this town is FULL of fucking skiers.

I need to go back to school, pay off my debt and move somewhere warmer, more creative. I just feel so broken. And broke, for the matter. I'm no further ahead financially then I was when I first got back. I'm still barely making ends meet. Like tomorrow, my rent is due and I have no idea if I'll have enough to pay it.

I'm done. 2013 is the year things will change for me. I'm past being stuck in this damn rut.

Gotta stick to my word....stay driven.

E