Truly, Madly, Deeply

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I used to think that was such bullshit, that feeling the loss after a love was the most horrible feeling in the entire world (selfish thought, but that's how I felt). It's only at 30 years old, that I can maturely look at this quotation and realize how very true it is. We have to be grateful for the experience that love offers, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much your heart physically hurts, that the experience of falling madly in love with someone shows you how to love another, how to give yourself to another human being. Of course, I'm only referring to this statement through the eyes of romantic love, but it applies to brotherly love, sisterly love, the whole kitten caboodle. 

If it wasn't for my ex I would have never seen Japan, Australia and New Zealand. That's a positive thing, but I guess what I've learned from the experience truly, is that I don't want someone who is only half invested in my goals in life and I don't want to throw my entire being into another person's goals. I learned that in order to be loved I truly have to love myself and accept my own flaws. 

It's the first time in my life that I accept my body exactly as it is (although I still need to quit smoking - groan!) and the first time I am perfectly happy being alone with my own thoughts. It doesn't scare me if I have NOTHING planned for the evening ahead. I can be selfish and use the time to relax, better myself and reflect on the day. 

With this person I have been dating, I have a strong feeling it isn't going to work out....but at least I know I am capable of giving myself to a relationship again. But, I have standards that I am unwilling to compromise on, and this person released a few "deal breakers" a couple days ago that I am not willing to bend over backwards to accommodate just so I can be in a relationship. It feels good to love me. Life is too short to waste it with someone who isn't worthwhile. 

Ahhhhh, it just feels so good to write those words and MEAN them. 

A wise person once said, "Love is friendship on fire" and that is exactly what I want, a friend who invokes passion deep within my soul and I'm not gonna quit until I get it. 

So if you're out there, even if you're reading this, you can swing by anytime, or not, it's not like I'm in a rush to escape this selfish lifestyle. I'm rather enjoying being a 30 something right now.

:)
Erin