It's New Years Day and I've got all the typical symptoms, exhaustion, shame and a headache. I tried to be smart today and got on the water immediately, took some ibuprofen and had the lunch of champions.
I went to a New Years house party and it was fun, but I'm getting too old for this. I would have preferred to snuggle up with someone special, watch a movie with a bottle of wine and be in bed shortly after 12. I don't know how to be single. I just want to be back in my safe, somewhat happy relationship again.
I'm finding myself really missing him a lot lately. Maybe it's the holidays, all the wedding engagements...whatever it is, I'm sad. I can hold a smile for the most part, but it feels fake a lot of the the time. I've lost count with how many times I have said out loud, "Why, why, why didn't you want this, why didn't you want me? I still feel so rejected, so lost, so alone. I just want this grief to be over.
I want him to come back from overseas and BEG for me back, to say he made a mistake, that he loves me and he does want to marry me. That he misses his best friend, like I miss mine.
I'm sure these depressing blog posts are getting old. I had no idea that the depression part of this break up would hang on for so long.
I think perhaps I need to make some positive life changes. I need to get out of here for one thing, it's past its expiry date for me. There's nothing left for me here. No money to be made, no further education and the winters are too damn long. I don't ski either, and this town is FULL of fucking skiers.
I need to go back to school, pay off my debt and move somewhere warmer, more creative. I just feel so broken. And broke, for the matter. I'm no further ahead financially then I was when I first got back. I'm still barely making ends meet. Like tomorrow, my rent is due and I have no idea if I'll have enough to pay it.
I'm done. 2013 is the year things will change for me. I'm past being stuck in this damn rut.
Gotta stick to my word....stay driven.
E
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