Saturday Night Blues

It's the lonely Saturday nights that are hard. I start thinking about Saturday nights from the past. I miss getting a bottle of wine with my best friend and watching a crappy movie. I miss Saturday Night Live (Schweddy Balls has always been a favorite at this time of year) and cuddling on the couch. Perhaps its the fact that we are inching closer to Christmas and I will face the holiday alone. Albeit, I will be with family, but there's something about the anticipation of Christmas when you have someone you love. When you're so excited for them to open that present you finally found. Cooking together, decorating the tree together...all those things. I miss them. Terribly. I even miss baking sweets for him. I feel so pathetic. I guess I'm just sad.

I read a book in the bathtub last night (Yes, a WHOLE book) and there were so many things that I wish I could remember. Things that might help right now. But, one sentence stands out.

"Today I will give myself permission to be sad."

Today, yes, I will. I tried to push it away before, but I think that perhaps I better just embrace it before it eats me alive. It's actually healthy to be sad at this point in my life. I need to grieve for those things above. But, I think what I have to remember, is not to let it swallow me whole. I've gotta be grateful for what I do have. Today, that is the following:

• a roof over my head (it's winter, it'd be damn cold outside and even more depressing)
• food (mind you, it is spaghetti with salt and pepper and a generous dollop of butter, but it's sustenance!)
• I made my first floral arrangement today, with an orchid. (It was incredibly fun and made me want to learn more)
• I have to wake up tomorrow and look forward to a Christmas party with all my co-workers from the flower shop! (an excuse to wear false eyelashes, a dress and too much make up)
• I don't have to share a bed with a grizzly bear of a man. (he's hairy, he snores and he's cranky if you disturb him)

Okay, so the last one was a bit of a cheap shot, but I deserve it. I'm taking it no matter what anyone thinks.

Sleep well.

E

The Soundtrack

I am listening to Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together". They say "never say never", but I'm feeling pretty sure on this one.

Music has been my peace of mind, my "go to". I thought it would only aggravate the feelings that were bubbling up inside of me. It's been more of a refuge really. In fact, we used to joke about having a "soundtrack" to our love. Well, that soundtrack changed A LOT. The following have been my crutches, along with a few good friends, some wine and too many cigarettes. Oh, and since it's December: cream cheese and chocolate. :)

It's like he wrote it for me. Goyte's Somebody That I Used to Know" I've listened to this song over and over and it's like my life got penned into song. This version is a little more uppity and frankly, I think everyone should hear this band. They're incredibly talented.

Yeah, you saw this one coming I'm sure. But, it just feels so GOOD to sing it LOUDLY.  Especially since I feel that way now. Perhaps it's the "anger" step talking, perhaps it's the truth. Whatever it is, this catchy song is so great to sing a long to.

I was walking to work one day and this drifted out of my headphones. Even if it's not bang on to my situation, it gave me hope that "someday" things will be better. Plus, Rob Thomas is hot. Hot men help. :)

My life is a "gallery" of broken hearts too Ingrid Michaelson! I just want to Be OK" so badly. This song is so fun to sing to with her birdsong voice.

Those have been my stand by's. Mind you, I've gotten together with a good friend, sipped beer and sang too many Disney songs via Youtube. Like this one:

We both have Disney princess voices and are old enough that we shouldn't be drunk and singing Disney tunes loud enough to wake the neighbors. But, at least we're half decent singers, so luckily the neighbors haven't knocked...yet.

A video inspired post yes, but that's just where I am right now.

More to come.

E XOXO

Screwed

Depression is an ugly feeling to have perched on your bedside table. I can't get rid of it, it's always there, waiting for me to fall back into it's dark pit, and I do, regularly.

It sure would help if I could just start making smarter decisions in life. Smarter financial decisions anyway. I just made rent this month and that family trip to Cancun is getting further and further from my grasp. I had a little extra money this past month and I spent it on a couple nights out rather than saving it. I am a person of instant gratification and long term blues. Groan. What is wrong with me? I tried to justify to my mother on Skype that I am a failure, but she wouldn't hear it. (What decent mother would?) To say I am a failure is to make up an excuse. Bad financial decisions does not make me a bad person. Insane? Yes.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
- Albert Einstein -

Yep, so that's about where I'm at. Trying to sort out the things about me that make me successful or at least primed for it. I thought getting a degree and finding a guy who was my best friend and wanted to marry me was a good start. I was sooooo wrong. The degree hasn't helped me much other than cause me major stress on how I'm going to make my monthly student loan payments. So, it's made me creative...yeah, that's a good way to put it. As for the guy I fell in love with, well he loves something else more than me. Harsh reality. But it almost feel like I got screwed a bit on that one. 

I watched a video this morning that I wish I could have seen when I was 19. It might have helped.

So, what do you think? I feel inspired by it, am want to find my niche in success. What am I passionate about? What is going to make me money? Not necessarily, make me rich, but at least make it so I'm not constantly thinking about how I'm going to pay bills, have a balance between fun and work, eat, etc.

Speaking of food, breakfast is necessary right now. I might even be inspired to post again later. Writing seems to be the only thing that I have passion for....now to figure out how I can make some $$ from something I love....

Not on any Jasper Trail Maps: The Road to Recovery

I did what I was told. I slept for a long, long time after my trip to the local hospital. I cried. I looked at my toes a lot. I drank tea and I'm doing at least one thing that makes me happy everyday. I'm trying to do one nice thing for someone everyday, even though I don't always feel like spreading cheer, when it's spread rather thin for me.

On Sunday I served tea, dressed like a member of the royal family at our local celebration for the diamond jubilee. So, not only did I do something that was nice for me, but I also served tea to two actual Diamond Jubilee recipients. (I also picked up a bottle of Devon cream - straight from overseas, for a friend of mine).

On Monday I got together with a few girlfriends and went over some scripts for an upcoming production with the Jasper Theatre company, yes I'm a thespian as well. Albeit an amateur one. The girl that lies across the hall from me has been coughing up a storm so I gave her peppermint tea to ease her throat. Not much, but I know I would appreciate it.

On Tuesday (today) I went to a friends place for dinner. I seriously think I should start paying rent;  that's how often I'm there. I threw some cash at her for dinner and entertained her adorable one year old who ended up entertaining me more then I him.

I got home tonight and drew myself a bath. Sounds so British, maybe it wore off a bit from Sunday night. I tried to relax, really, I did. BUT, the woman in me rose up and stared at my flaws. Unfortunately there is a mirror directly across from my tub. Honestly, who looks good sitting down in a tub? Where the hell did that muffin top come from, and why are there two when I lean forward?? I actually tried to capture a photo of this, but decided it was too risque, put my underwear on and came back to typing. But, while I was sitting in the tub, thoughts like these kept lapping through my head.

"Damn, I need to shave. My razor doesn't work. 

There's my punishment for being a cheap-ass and

 using the free ones from Singapore Airlines."

-and-

"I have my mother's toes."

-and-

After washing my face: 

"How did that raccoon get in 

the tub with me? 

Oh wait, that's my mascara."

-and-

"After slouching down into my tub to relax, 

how does one get back up comfortably 

without looking like a fish out of water?"

I finally just gave up and dried off, and came to my computer to write, where I'm most comfortable, where muffin tops don't matter and my toes are tucked safely under my knees. 

I'm off to pluck hairs out of places I never knew they'd grow and start thinking about what I can do tomorrow to make myself and one other person happy. Maybe I'll save the world tomorrow. Who knows? 

Chin up buttercup, it's not that bad. 

 

The connection between your emotional heart and your physical self

Sometimes when your brain isn't thinking clearly your body takes over and forces you to slow down, usually at the worst time. I was at work today and my body shut down. I've never had anything like that happen before and even I am having trouble describing it because I don't quite remember it. I lost myself, got very dizzy and nauseated and couldn't stand. I did have too much red wine last night and the night before, so that certainly didn't help things. Forgive me if this post is all over the place, I'm just typing as I think of things.

I was definitely not doing great this morning, but I passed it off as just too much wine last night. I had a coffee, water, a muffin. Nothing out of the ordinary. But, by 2:00 pm I hadn't eaten lunch and my boss thought that maybe my blood sugar levels had dropped and that food was the answer. It did help slightly, but I should have been able to stand after eating and I just couldn't. I felt so weak, afraid to faint if I stood. I know my eyes glazed over and the next thing I knew I was being walked out to my friend's car to be driven to the hospital. I was even having trouble speaking, which if you know me, is never an issue for me. I'm a chatterbox usually.

I walked into the hospital and sat down to be registered in the system. The lady asked me if Bryan was still my emergency contact. And, bam! It all hit me. I feel like I went semi-catatonic and realized what had happened. My physical self couldn't support my emotional self anymore. It was telling me to slow down and breathe. I have been going-going-going and haven't taken any "me" time. I have to learn that it's okay to cry, it's okay to grieve. I HAVE to.

I feel like such a horrible person for letting down my new employer. I feel like a completely insane individual right now. Most of all I feel weak. I don't want to be this way, I don't want anyone to know that I am in this bad place. But, I guess I didn't have a say in what people get to know.

So, why not share it? :) It's the next morning and I am still feeling a bit off, definitely heartsick, but I've got some strong people around me. I came back to Jasper for a reason. I've had people invite me over for dinner, for wine (obviously), one sweet guardian angel even dropped off an entire box of food because "rice is boring". She had read my original post. There are good people in this world of ours and I am really trying to be one of them, I guess I have to allow the good and the bad.

 A full fridge! I am so blessed.

I'm out of energy and need some major TLC today. So, this is me. Crazy as the friggin' birds right now, but somehow I will learn to fly.  Reminds me of a Beatles song I heard this week..."take these broken wings and learn to fly..."

On the Fence...

I debated whether or not to post again today as I don't want to be that person who constantly whines and then posts it on Facebook for all to read. But this isn't a whiny rant, and screw it, I'm writing for me, not for anyone else.

Perhaps I made a mistake today. My ex asked me if I wanted to Skype and although my brain said no, my heart said yes. It ended up being more of a friendly chat rather than being a tearful sob session and I actually felt better afterward. Still, there's that nagging feeling that I should have just let him hang. The only reason he messaged me in the first place was because he was lonely in  the Sydney airport. But, I'm lonely too.

I got the feeling that we're both feeling the same way, happy most of the time, but the back of our brains stores up sadness and depression for when we're alone. I mean, you've gotta keep living, that doesn't stop just because you broke up with someone, life ticks on and on regardless. But, those times when a song comes on or a moment on television sends you sailing into a memory of that person, that's when the sadness creeps in and hangs on. My heart actually felt heavy, full even, but empty at the same time. Does that even make any sense?

Afterwards, a friend asked me to come over. She had read my blog from yesterday and knew I needed:
a) a friend
b) a beer
c) a cigarette

I ended up staying for dinner (mmm, chili) and although I'm not perfectly Erin again, I feel a bit better just having someone to talk to, even if it was brief. This whole being alone thing on my days off has its limits. I think SOME alone time is healthy, but I need to be around people as much as possible. To engage in normal conversation is therapy in itself.

I guess I'll just keep taking this life if mine one day at a time...for now.

It's a Mid-life Beginning, not a Crisis!

I'm 30 years old and single for the first time in 6 years. I don't like to think my life was defined by that relationship, but it was. I was one half of a whole for too long. In a nutshell, we want different things from life, have different goals and ultimately are more different from each other than we initially thought. It comes at a time when most of my friends are married or getting there and I can't help but feel a little ho-hum about the whole thing. What the hell am I going to do with myself now?

As my luck would have it, this all happened overseas, in New Zealand. The first place my mind raced to was Jasper and my body followed about a week later. Despite having followed winter for the last three seasons I chose to embark on a fourth winter and it greeted me with open arms. I was back in Jasper for only a few days and the snow fell down; back for about a week and the temperatures dropped down to -20. Gross. What have I done to myself? I'm not a winter girl, never have been. What was so wonderful about this place that I felt the need to brave not only another winter, but a COLD one at that?

Well, for starters, I was back in town for approximately 48 hours and I had my first job, in the arts community too! A local non-profit organization hired me for 10 hours a week to do some running around, distribute information and be the "face" of the organization. So, step 1, get back into the arts scene was achieved. So far, I have to admit I haven't struggled to be a "face" yet,  my emotions have been harnessed for now. Smoking and the occasional glass of something alcoholic certainly helps.

Ah yes, the smoking. What a wicked she-devil that cursed habit is. So satisfying, until you've had a pack, and then the old familiar cough returns, the one that made me stop smoking in the first place. I rationalized that I would smoke until I got my head around this whole "new life" I've been thrown into. But, in reality, it just came down to the fact that money needs to go to food more than it needs to go to ciggies, so alas, here I sit, typing away, wishing I had one, just one...

If I thought I was poor when I was traveling, well, I had no idea. So far, lunch has been optional and it looks like I'll be living off rice for quite a while. I've never been this poor in my entire life. I'm actually wondering what the hell I'm going to have for lunch tomorrow. I know I've got breakfast taken care of, but rice for lunch...again?? I'll have to try and reconnect with my university self and try to remember what I ate while I was a poor student. Wait a minute, did I even eat? No, no, actually I just drank. A lot. As you do. :)

Coming back to this whole break up thing, if the dreams would just stop I might be able to start moving on. But it's the ones that throw you back in time and make you think that he's still beside you in bed or that he forgives you, or even one where I was pregnant and having a freak-out because the labor was scaring me (woke up slightly relieved THAT wasn't true); it's those dreams that give me that 30 seconds of wake up time where I'm perfectly blissful. Then reality comes screeching back to me as my vision clears and I realize I'm in Jasper, not in New Zealand or Australia or Japan...where I was originally supposed to be.

I got kind of hung up on that "should have been here" moment for a bit today, but then a wise friend told me something that hit home. She said, "Believe in your bones that you right where you are meant to be." I'm trying my dear friend. One day a time, I'm trying.