I'm 30 years old and single for the first time in 6 years. I don't like to think my life was defined by that relationship, but it was. I was one half of a whole for too long. In a nutshell, we want different things from life, have different goals and ultimately are more different from each other than we initially thought. It comes at a time when most of my friends are married or getting there and I can't help but feel a little ho-hum about the whole thing. What the hell am I going to do with myself now?
As my luck would have it, this all happened overseas, in New Zealand. The first place my mind raced to was Jasper and my body followed about a week later. Despite having followed winter for the last three seasons I chose to embark on a fourth winter and it greeted me with open arms. I was back in Jasper for only a few days and the snow fell down; back for about a week and the temperatures dropped down to -20. Gross. What have I done to myself? I'm not a winter girl, never have been. What was so wonderful about this place that I felt the need to brave not only another winter, but a COLD one at that?
Well, for starters, I was back in town for approximately 48 hours and I had my first job, in the arts community too! A local non-profit organization hired me for 10 hours a week to do some running around, distribute information and be the "face" of the organization. So, step 1, get back into the arts scene was achieved. So far, I have to admit I haven't struggled to be a "face" yet, my emotions have been harnessed for now. Smoking and the occasional glass of something alcoholic certainly helps.
Ah yes, the smoking. What a wicked she-devil that cursed habit is. So satisfying, until you've had a pack, and then the old familiar cough returns, the one that made me stop smoking in the first place. I rationalized that I would smoke until I got my head around this whole "new life" I've been thrown into. But, in reality, it just came down to the fact that money needs to go to food more than it needs to go to ciggies, so alas, here I sit, typing away, wishing I had one, just one...
If I thought I was poor when I was traveling, well, I had no idea. So far, lunch has been optional and it looks like I'll be living off rice for quite a while. I've never been this poor in my entire life. I'm actually wondering what the hell I'm going to have for lunch tomorrow. I know I've got breakfast taken care of, but rice for lunch...again?? I'll have to try and reconnect with my university self and try to remember what I ate while I was a poor student. Wait a minute, did I even eat? No, no, actually I just drank. A lot. As you do. :)
Coming back to this whole break up thing, if the dreams would just stop I might be able to start moving on. But it's the ones that throw you back in time and make you think that he's still beside you in bed or that he forgives you, or even one where I was pregnant and having a freak-out because the labor was scaring me (woke up slightly relieved THAT wasn't true); it's those dreams that give me that 30 seconds of wake up time where I'm perfectly blissful. Then reality comes screeching back to me as my vision clears and I realize I'm in Jasper, not in New Zealand or Australia or Japan...where I was originally supposed to be.
I got kind of hung up on that "should have been here" moment for a bit today, but then a wise friend told me something that hit home. She said, "Believe in your bones that you right where you are meant to be." I'm trying my dear friend. One day a time, I'm trying.
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