I debated whether or not to post again today as I don't want to be that person who constantly whines and then posts it on Facebook for all to read. But this isn't a whiny rant, and screw it, I'm writing for me, not for anyone else.
Perhaps I made a mistake today. My ex asked me if I wanted to Skype and although my brain said no, my heart said yes. It ended up being more of a friendly chat rather than being a tearful sob session and I actually felt better afterward. Still, there's that nagging feeling that I should have just let him hang. The only reason he messaged me in the first place was because he was lonely in the Sydney airport. But, I'm lonely too.
I got the feeling that we're both feeling the same way, happy most of the time, but the back of our brains stores up sadness and depression for when we're alone. I mean, you've gotta keep living, that doesn't stop just because you broke up with someone, life ticks on and on regardless. But, those times when a song comes on or a moment on television sends you sailing into a memory of that person, that's when the sadness creeps in and hangs on. My heart actually felt heavy, full even, but empty at the same time. Does that even make any sense?
Afterwards, a friend asked me to come over. She had read my blog from yesterday and knew I needed:
a) a friend
b) a beer
c) a cigarette
I ended up staying for dinner (mmm, chili) and although I'm not perfectly Erin again, I feel a bit better just having someone to talk to, even if it was brief. This whole being alone thing on my days off has its limits. I think SOME alone time is healthy, but I need to be around people as much as possible. To engage in normal conversation is therapy in itself.
I guess I'll just keep taking this life if mine one day at a time...for now.
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