Saturday Night Blues

It's the lonely Saturday nights that are hard. I start thinking about Saturday nights from the past. I miss getting a bottle of wine with my best friend and watching a crappy movie. I miss Saturday Night Live (Schweddy Balls has always been a favorite at this time of year) and cuddling on the couch. Perhaps its the fact that we are inching closer to Christmas and I will face the holiday alone. Albeit, I will be with family, but there's something about the anticipation of Christmas when you have someone you love. When you're so excited for them to open that present you finally found. Cooking together, decorating the tree together...all those things. I miss them. Terribly. I even miss baking sweets for him. I feel so pathetic. I guess I'm just sad.

I read a book in the bathtub last night (Yes, a WHOLE book) and there were so many things that I wish I could remember. Things that might help right now. But, one sentence stands out.

"Today I will give myself permission to be sad."

Today, yes, I will. I tried to push it away before, but I think that perhaps I better just embrace it before it eats me alive. It's actually healthy to be sad at this point in my life. I need to grieve for those things above. But, I think what I have to remember, is not to let it swallow me whole. I've gotta be grateful for what I do have. Today, that is the following:

• a roof over my head (it's winter, it'd be damn cold outside and even more depressing)
• food (mind you, it is spaghetti with salt and pepper and a generous dollop of butter, but it's sustenance!)
• I made my first floral arrangement today, with an orchid. (It was incredibly fun and made me want to learn more)
• I have to wake up tomorrow and look forward to a Christmas party with all my co-workers from the flower shop! (an excuse to wear false eyelashes, a dress and too much make up)
• I don't have to share a bed with a grizzly bear of a man. (he's hairy, he snores and he's cranky if you disturb him)

Okay, so the last one was a bit of a cheap shot, but I deserve it. I'm taking it no matter what anyone thinks.

Sleep well.

E