Midnight Melody

Smoke smells wind through flowered trees
Nature is on bended knees
Magic and love is in the air
Mountains stretch with room to spare
Wind kisses earth, rain hugs the ground
Birds sing to hear the echoed sound
Grass springs forth brave and new
Morning greets with shining dew
Sunshine peeks with lustful sting
Senses perk at signs of Spring.

The Wall

Against a wall,
clothes tear,
hands in hair
nerves fall.

Passion and lust
breath short
ferme la porte
ultimate trust

Clothes strewn
heaving breasts
tangled chests
a naked room

Made me fall
made me moan
grunt and groan
against a wall.

The Cocoon...a poem for Spring.

The Cocoon
I keep wanting and wanting to catch up with this thing,
The words in my head would make this page sing!
But, I'm losing the words as they travel along,
From heart to my head, back and forth, like a song.
It's a thing of beauty one really could say,
That in 6 months I have come a long way.
From tears in my pillow and fear in my eyes,
From dark clouds above me and thunder in skies,
I came from the darkness and the sunshine came through,
I knew that others had felt that way too.
Time heals all wounds, the scar will always be there,
It shows those around us we know how to care,
I can love and lose and wade through the shit,
Though sometimes it felt like a bottomless pit.
I thought I was done, I was finished with men,
New sense of being, I'm beginning again.

I have a feeling...

I had to seize the opportunity to write. I'm fresh out of a eucalyptus, spearmint bath, still in a towel in fact (I know, saucy!) and I had to write down tonight's experience.

It was a very slow day at work (at Rock and Jade today) and ultimately, but unfortunately, the excitement for the day was what kind of fudge I was going to try next. Jeans are tight again already. Perhaps it will work in my favor. :)

I was feeling anxious, tired, and maybe a smidgeon stressed as my ex arrives in town tomorrow. I'm seeing him on Saturday. Maybe I'm more nervous and stressed than I thought. Nevertheless, I skyped with a very dear friend, someone who is my true kindred spirit, someone I connect with in the waking and sleeping life, someone I connect with on a spiritual level. The best, most rewarding kind of friendship. She's been studying how to do readings, meditation, etc.

She did a reading for me (several types actually) and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and the release of emotion hit me very quickly. She told me I had gotten through the worst and that I have been patient, and the road ahead will be much smoother. She told me my concerns about kids and marriage will be fulfilled, that my children are little innocent souls that will come to be, that I WILL have children. The funny thing was, all day today, the kids that came into the store made me long for my own so badly. An 11 day old baby made my heart shout with longing. They were on my mind a lot today and there's always that nagging feeling that I won't find someone who will give me that, something I know I will be a natural at. Being a mother is something I KNOW I was born to do. Amongst other amazing things of course. :)

She told me also that a new romance is on the horizon, someone new or someone I know through a friend. But, patience was key. Let life happen, enjoy this "incubation" period it was called. I'm crying just writing this...because I want these things so badly. I don't want the Porsche, the big house, the all inclusive vacations (however, a ladies week away is in the plans!), the material things that so many people are caught up in. Life is too short to worry about such silly things. For some reason, even when I am at my poorest, I have always had the belief that everything will be okay and that the Beatles were right, "All You Need Is Love".

I bought my first piece of gem/stone today; rose quartz. It is supposed to bring love to you and make you a more loving person. Not necessarily romantic love, just a surrounding love overall. It's going to sit on my windowsill, in the sunshine so it can project into the world just like the love and friendship I want to project into the world. You can call me crazy, you can call me a goody two shoes, but I am FIRM in my beliefs that all the above is true and will come to fruition. I've watched so many around me achieve happiness in their careers, love life and family....holy shit, it better be my turn NOW!

I have a feeling it will be worth the wait. :)

Two halves don't make a whole..

I KNOW I have to follow my own advice, what I've been telling my girlfriends for the past few months. No one will love you until you love yourself. You need to work on you. Fill your life with the things you love doing. I know it's a process. Everything I've done in the past few months, from my jobs to my hobbies have been to better myself and to give back in some way...but my GOD it gets lonely sometimes.

I do so well in a relationship. I'm happiest when I can make someone else happy. When I have someone to cook for, to have sex with, to cuddle with, to be proud of, to support, to share ideas with, and to be my best friend. What is with me? Geez, it's like I've forgotten all the female empowerment I learned in university and traded it in for a damn apron. It's so hard to admit this, but it's what I want, it's how I feel. I want to be loved and admired by someone who inspires me. Is it so much to ask?

Even if I could get a few dates, it would be nice. A chance to dress up, be nervous, stumble over words until the wine kicks in....I can't remember the last time I had a date other than the one that ended in verbal disaster a few weeks ago. (Long story, one I don't feel like telling - his fault, not mine) Where are the men who want to ask you on a formal date? Not the ones who want to sleep with you because you were one of the last available girls at the club last night. I'm worth so much more than that.

I swear if I have to read one more fucking marriage proposal or see one more slew of wedding photos on Facebook I'm going to roll my eyes in disgust and die of eternal jealousy. It's true. I'm jealous. I hate it. I want marriage and love and the goddamn baby carriage and Facebook is a constant reminder that I don't have it. It's not like I have all kinds of time either. I'm getting older by the day and there's no solution in sight.

I'm just frustrated and lonely. I need some romance in my life, someone to be excited over again.

P.S. The ex comes to Jasper in about a week, I'm sure there will be something to blog about after that experience.

The Forgotten Sailor
Don't forget about me,
I won't forget about you,
Says the man in the feminine floating canoe.

I am always here,
though sometimes I hide
I can be shy,
so look deeeeeep inside.

Stroke my head,
so softly at first,
Then pat me vigorously,
Hands, do your worst.

I just need some attention,
to be brought out of my shell,
If you use your tongue,
I swear not to tell.

So, remember I'm here,
I'm always keen to come out,
A little rough play is fine
I like to rock the boat. :)

E

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I used to think that was such bullshit, that feeling the loss after a love was the most horrible feeling in the entire world (selfish thought, but that's how I felt). It's only at 30 years old, that I can maturely look at this quotation and realize how very true it is. We have to be grateful for the experience that love offers, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much your heart physically hurts, that the experience of falling madly in love with someone shows you how to love another, how to give yourself to another human being. Of course, I'm only referring to this statement through the eyes of romantic love, but it applies to brotherly love, sisterly love, the whole kitten caboodle. 

If it wasn't for my ex I would have never seen Japan, Australia and New Zealand. That's a positive thing, but I guess what I've learned from the experience truly, is that I don't want someone who is only half invested in my goals in life and I don't want to throw my entire being into another person's goals. I learned that in order to be loved I truly have to love myself and accept my own flaws. 

It's the first time in my life that I accept my body exactly as it is (although I still need to quit smoking - groan!) and the first time I am perfectly happy being alone with my own thoughts. It doesn't scare me if I have NOTHING planned for the evening ahead. I can be selfish and use the time to relax, better myself and reflect on the day. 

With this person I have been dating, I have a strong feeling it isn't going to work out....but at least I know I am capable of giving myself to a relationship again. But, I have standards that I am unwilling to compromise on, and this person released a few "deal breakers" a couple days ago that I am not willing to bend over backwards to accommodate just so I can be in a relationship. It feels good to love me. Life is too short to waste it with someone who isn't worthwhile. 

Ahhhhh, it just feels so good to write those words and MEAN them. 

A wise person once said, "Love is friendship on fire" and that is exactly what I want, a friend who invokes passion deep within my soul and I'm not gonna quit until I get it. 

So if you're out there, even if you're reading this, you can swing by anytime, or not, it's not like I'm in a rush to escape this selfish lifestyle. I'm rather enjoying being a 30 something right now.

:)
Erin