The Cocoon...a poem for Spring.

The Cocoon
I keep wanting and wanting to catch up with this thing,
The words in my head would make this page sing!
But, I'm losing the words as they travel along,
From heart to my head, back and forth, like a song.
It's a thing of beauty one really could say,
That in 6 months I have come a long way.
From tears in my pillow and fear in my eyes,
From dark clouds above me and thunder in skies,
I came from the darkness and the sunshine came through,
I knew that others had felt that way too.
Time heals all wounds, the scar will always be there,
It shows those around us we know how to care,
I can love and lose and wade through the shit,
Though sometimes it felt like a bottomless pit.
I thought I was done, I was finished with men,
New sense of being, I'm beginning again.

I have a feeling...

I had to seize the opportunity to write. I'm fresh out of a eucalyptus, spearmint bath, still in a towel in fact (I know, saucy!) and I had to write down tonight's experience.

It was a very slow day at work (at Rock and Jade today) and ultimately, but unfortunately, the excitement for the day was what kind of fudge I was going to try next. Jeans are tight again already. Perhaps it will work in my favor. :)

I was feeling anxious, tired, and maybe a smidgeon stressed as my ex arrives in town tomorrow. I'm seeing him on Saturday. Maybe I'm more nervous and stressed than I thought. Nevertheless, I skyped with a very dear friend, someone who is my true kindred spirit, someone I connect with in the waking and sleeping life, someone I connect with on a spiritual level. The best, most rewarding kind of friendship. She's been studying how to do readings, meditation, etc.

She did a reading for me (several types actually) and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and the release of emotion hit me very quickly. She told me I had gotten through the worst and that I have been patient, and the road ahead will be much smoother. She told me my concerns about kids and marriage will be fulfilled, that my children are little innocent souls that will come to be, that I WILL have children. The funny thing was, all day today, the kids that came into the store made me long for my own so badly. An 11 day old baby made my heart shout with longing. They were on my mind a lot today and there's always that nagging feeling that I won't find someone who will give me that, something I know I will be a natural at. Being a mother is something I KNOW I was born to do. Amongst other amazing things of course. :)

She told me also that a new romance is on the horizon, someone new or someone I know through a friend. But, patience was key. Let life happen, enjoy this "incubation" period it was called. I'm crying just writing this...because I want these things so badly. I don't want the Porsche, the big house, the all inclusive vacations (however, a ladies week away is in the plans!), the material things that so many people are caught up in. Life is too short to worry about such silly things. For some reason, even when I am at my poorest, I have always had the belief that everything will be okay and that the Beatles were right, "All You Need Is Love".

I bought my first piece of gem/stone today; rose quartz. It is supposed to bring love to you and make you a more loving person. Not necessarily romantic love, just a surrounding love overall. It's going to sit on my windowsill, in the sunshine so it can project into the world just like the love and friendship I want to project into the world. You can call me crazy, you can call me a goody two shoes, but I am FIRM in my beliefs that all the above is true and will come to fruition. I've watched so many around me achieve happiness in their careers, love life and family....holy shit, it better be my turn NOW!

I have a feeling it will be worth the wait. :)

Two halves don't make a whole..

I KNOW I have to follow my own advice, what I've been telling my girlfriends for the past few months. No one will love you until you love yourself. You need to work on you. Fill your life with the things you love doing. I know it's a process. Everything I've done in the past few months, from my jobs to my hobbies have been to better myself and to give back in some way...but my GOD it gets lonely sometimes.

I do so well in a relationship. I'm happiest when I can make someone else happy. When I have someone to cook for, to have sex with, to cuddle with, to be proud of, to support, to share ideas with, and to be my best friend. What is with me? Geez, it's like I've forgotten all the female empowerment I learned in university and traded it in for a damn apron. It's so hard to admit this, but it's what I want, it's how I feel. I want to be loved and admired by someone who inspires me. Is it so much to ask?

Even if I could get a few dates, it would be nice. A chance to dress up, be nervous, stumble over words until the wine kicks in....I can't remember the last time I had a date other than the one that ended in verbal disaster a few weeks ago. (Long story, one I don't feel like telling - his fault, not mine) Where are the men who want to ask you on a formal date? Not the ones who want to sleep with you because you were one of the last available girls at the club last night. I'm worth so much more than that.

I swear if I have to read one more fucking marriage proposal or see one more slew of wedding photos on Facebook I'm going to roll my eyes in disgust and die of eternal jealousy. It's true. I'm jealous. I hate it. I want marriage and love and the goddamn baby carriage and Facebook is a constant reminder that I don't have it. It's not like I have all kinds of time either. I'm getting older by the day and there's no solution in sight.

I'm just frustrated and lonely. I need some romance in my life, someone to be excited over again.

P.S. The ex comes to Jasper in about a week, I'm sure there will be something to blog about after that experience.