"...and if he doesn't exist, I'll never die of a broken heart"

One of my favorite movies is "Practical Magic"...the story of two sisters, raised as witches, under the shadow of a terrible curse that kills off any man who dares to fall in love with them. My favorite scene is below, watch it from beginning to end (come on, it's only 3 minutes!!). I'm going to weave my own spell for a man, half of me hoping I never fall in love, and the other half not believing in curses.

Bear with me, I'm a romantic, right to the core. I'm not saying a man is necessary to complete my life, but it sure does make it less lonely sometimes.

My True Love Spell
He'll love music, or be able to sing, or play an instrument. He'll sing to me in a crowd or all alone.
He'll be determined, positive and driven.
I will inspire him to be those things above.
He'll have color in his wardrobe. I don't do black and grey, too boring.
He'll have a very corny sense of humor, the cheesier the joke, the better.
He'll love to cook, even if he doesn't always succeed at it.
He'll enjoy nights out, having a few drinks, but will enjoy nights in, snuggled up with me, a lot more.
He'll want to have kids and get married.
He'll be romantic, doing little things to make me smile (love notes, massage, surprise dates, etc)
He'll think I'm beautiful, even when I'm not. Fresh out of bed on a Sunday morning or when I'm ready for a night out, it won't matter.
He'll want to see more of the world with me. Not without me.
He'll love my family even though they drive him crazy, and I'll do the same for him.
His job will never come before me.
He'll give the best hugs.
If I'm sick he'll take care of me, and vice versa.
He'll go to theatre with me, plays, musicals, whatever. Even chick flicks. (Although I know secretly, he won't enjoy it)
He'll give me time with my girlfriends. Frequently.
He'll be proud of me, want to share his life with me, and love me unconditionally.

I know, deep down, there isn't a man like this out there. But, there's no harm is wishing, is there?

Erin

Energy trap?

Okay, so it's not just me having a shitty week? Literally everyone I have spoken to about this has had the most off week of the year. Alright, I know we're only one week in, but regardless, it's been such a roller coaster of crap this past week. One friend has been worked like crazy, another has the flu, another lost a dear friend very quickly, another had a bike stolen (and returned - thank goodness) and even another had a long list of stuff since Christmas that I can't even begin to remember.

So, what I'm thinking is this whole Mayan calendar thing was spot on; we are experiencing a change in the world as we know it, the "dawning of a new era". However, I would like to think and hope that this isn't the case since most experiences as of late have been negative. What I would think (and you can believe what you want) is that this little mountain town we all love, nicknamed the Jasper "bubble" somehow actually did create a dome over itself and trapped some super negative energy over us and it's just hovering.

That, or it's January. :)

Thus, 2013, a new year, is a time for new something. A new life shall we say? Nah, sounds too cliche. How about a new plan, because the old one sure ain't working. No, it's the dawning of MY NEW ERA. Nailed it!

So far, I've barely smoked at all since the year change. I am not interested anymore. I love to sing and cigarettes are starting to inhibit my ability to do so. Thus, I'm not saying I won't have one occasionally, BUT as for actually buying the damn dirty things, not this girl. No more coughing, no more gagging. DONE.

Alcohol. I'm done drowning my sorrows. I am allowing myself to feel sad, but limiting it. Alcohol sure doesn't help when you're depressed. Initially it makes you feel up, but then you crash...HARD. I am so not into that anymore. I love a glass of wine, and I won't deny myself that, but as for "partying"? No thank you. I just can't physically do it anymore. I think if a special occasion comes up (St Patrick's Day for example, and even then I won't if I work the next day) I will consider it. But, the effects of it scare me. I've got no more room for depression triggered by too many beer.

I am trying to drink more water, eat as well rounded as possible (although it's hard when you're flat broke) and have more baths. I'm getting back involved with the theatre company (had a very successful meeting last night) in order to have something extra curricular. I have rekindled my love for peppermint tea and writing (hence all the blog posts lately).

On that subject of writing, I know some of you read my last post, the poem. I did not intend to raise alarm, writing for me is my way of release, of venting. That poem was sad and powerful, and may have read differently to some people than I intended it to. I am sad, I am depressed, but trust me, there is light, I can see it and the storm is beginning to blow away. But, thanks for your concern, it's nice to know I have friends and support out there, and honestly, it's nice to know people actually read this thing. :)

Thus, I really need to mend these pieces of myself before anyone else will even consider loving me. I am so not ready to be in a relationship. I'm being selfish, I'm working on me. I feel like a bit of a broken record, but this whole few months has been such a process. Groan. I hate it. It's necessary, but it blows.

Wish me luck.

Erin

The Kite

The storm blew in, unforgiving and fierce;
And I was a kite on a string.
It broke my spirit, it changed my heart.
It ruined everything.

It made me cry, it made me lost;
I can not find my way.
The clouds are too thick, the rain is too cold.
I miss the light of day.

It cut me off, I lost the world;
I do not know where to go.
It made me numb, it made me wince;
And then it started to snow.

I'm buried deep in sadness,
I'm covered in the cold.
The darkness has set in,
but the tears are getting old.

I want to fight this storm,
I want the clouds to break.
I want the tears to stop,
and my heart not to ache.

Sleep brings me no comfort,
for the storm rages on.
And when the morning comes,
there is no breaking dawn.

I pray for the sunshine,
I pray for the light.
I pray for the dreams
not to torture me at night.

I want this nightmare to be over,
I just want it all to end.
I want to try and forget,
that I've lost my closest friend.

"I bruise like a peach"

I am so glad 2012 is over. It's really too bad the sadness that came with the end of that year can't just stay in that year, in the past.

It's New Years Day and I've got all the typical symptoms, exhaustion, shame and a headache. I tried to be smart today and got on the water immediately, took some ibuprofen and had the lunch of champions.

I went to a New Years house party and it was fun, but I'm getting too old for this. I would have preferred to snuggle up with someone special, watch a movie with a bottle of wine and be in bed shortly after 12. I don't know how to be single. I just want to be back in my safe, somewhat happy relationship again.

I'm finding myself really missing him a lot lately. Maybe it's the holidays, all the wedding engagements...whatever it is, I'm sad. I can hold a smile for the most part, but it feels fake a lot of the the time. I've lost count with how many times I have said out loud, "Why, why, why didn't you want this, why didn't you want me? I still feel so rejected, so lost, so alone. I just want this grief to be over.

I want him to come back from overseas and BEG for me back, to say he made a mistake, that he loves me and he does want to marry me. That he misses his best friend, like I miss mine.

I'm sure these depressing blog posts are getting old. I had no idea that the depression part of this break up would hang on for so long.

I think perhaps I need to make some positive life changes. I need to get out of here for one thing, it's past its expiry date for me. There's nothing left for me here. No money to be made, no further education and the winters are too damn long. I don't ski either, and this town is FULL of fucking skiers.

I need to go back to school, pay off my debt and move somewhere warmer, more creative. I just feel so broken. And broke, for the matter. I'm no further ahead financially then I was when I first got back. I'm still barely making ends meet. Like tomorrow, my rent is due and I have no idea if I'll have enough to pay it.

I'm done. 2013 is the year things will change for me. I'm past being stuck in this damn rut.

Gotta stick to my word....stay driven.

E