Saturday Night Blues

It's the lonely Saturday nights that are hard. I start thinking about Saturday nights from the past. I miss getting a bottle of wine with my best friend and watching a crappy movie. I miss Saturday Night Live (Schweddy Balls has always been a favorite at this time of year) and cuddling on the couch. Perhaps its the fact that we are inching closer to Christmas and I will face the holiday alone. Albeit, I will be with family, but there's something about the anticipation of Christmas when you have someone you love. When you're so excited for them to open that present you finally found. Cooking together, decorating the tree together...all those things. I miss them. Terribly. I even miss baking sweets for him. I feel so pathetic. I guess I'm just sad.

I read a book in the bathtub last night (Yes, a WHOLE book) and there were so many things that I wish I could remember. Things that might help right now. But, one sentence stands out.

"Today I will give myself permission to be sad."

Today, yes, I will. I tried to push it away before, but I think that perhaps I better just embrace it before it eats me alive. It's actually healthy to be sad at this point in my life. I need to grieve for those things above. But, I think what I have to remember, is not to let it swallow me whole. I've gotta be grateful for what I do have. Today, that is the following:

• a roof over my head (it's winter, it'd be damn cold outside and even more depressing)
• food (mind you, it is spaghetti with salt and pepper and a generous dollop of butter, but it's sustenance!)
• I made my first floral arrangement today, with an orchid. (It was incredibly fun and made me want to learn more)
• I have to wake up tomorrow and look forward to a Christmas party with all my co-workers from the flower shop! (an excuse to wear false eyelashes, a dress and too much make up)
• I don't have to share a bed with a grizzly bear of a man. (he's hairy, he snores and he's cranky if you disturb him)

Okay, so the last one was a bit of a cheap shot, but I deserve it. I'm taking it no matter what anyone thinks.

Sleep well.

E

The Soundtrack

I am listening to Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together". They say "never say never", but I'm feeling pretty sure on this one.

Music has been my peace of mind, my "go to". I thought it would only aggravate the feelings that were bubbling up inside of me. It's been more of a refuge really. In fact, we used to joke about having a "soundtrack" to our love. Well, that soundtrack changed A LOT. The following have been my crutches, along with a few good friends, some wine and too many cigarettes. Oh, and since it's December: cream cheese and chocolate. :)

It's like he wrote it for me. Goyte's Somebody That I Used to Know" I've listened to this song over and over and it's like my life got penned into song. This version is a little more uppity and frankly, I think everyone should hear this band. They're incredibly talented.

Yeah, you saw this one coming I'm sure. But, it just feels so GOOD to sing it LOUDLY.  Especially since I feel that way now. Perhaps it's the "anger" step talking, perhaps it's the truth. Whatever it is, this catchy song is so great to sing a long to.

I was walking to work one day and this drifted out of my headphones. Even if it's not bang on to my situation, it gave me hope that "someday" things will be better. Plus, Rob Thomas is hot. Hot men help. :)

My life is a "gallery" of broken hearts too Ingrid Michaelson! I just want to Be OK" so badly. This song is so fun to sing to with her birdsong voice.

Those have been my stand by's. Mind you, I've gotten together with a good friend, sipped beer and sang too many Disney songs via Youtube. Like this one:

We both have Disney princess voices and are old enough that we shouldn't be drunk and singing Disney tunes loud enough to wake the neighbors. But, at least we're half decent singers, so luckily the neighbors haven't knocked...yet.

A video inspired post yes, but that's just where I am right now.

More to come.

E XOXO

Screwed

Depression is an ugly feeling to have perched on your bedside table. I can't get rid of it, it's always there, waiting for me to fall back into it's dark pit, and I do, regularly.

It sure would help if I could just start making smarter decisions in life. Smarter financial decisions anyway. I just made rent this month and that family trip to Cancun is getting further and further from my grasp. I had a little extra money this past month and I spent it on a couple nights out rather than saving it. I am a person of instant gratification and long term blues. Groan. What is wrong with me? I tried to justify to my mother on Skype that I am a failure, but she wouldn't hear it. (What decent mother would?) To say I am a failure is to make up an excuse. Bad financial decisions does not make me a bad person. Insane? Yes.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
- Albert Einstein -

Yep, so that's about where I'm at. Trying to sort out the things about me that make me successful or at least primed for it. I thought getting a degree and finding a guy who was my best friend and wanted to marry me was a good start. I was sooooo wrong. The degree hasn't helped me much other than cause me major stress on how I'm going to make my monthly student loan payments. So, it's made me creative...yeah, that's a good way to put it. As for the guy I fell in love with, well he loves something else more than me. Harsh reality. But it almost feel like I got screwed a bit on that one. 

I watched a video this morning that I wish I could have seen when I was 19. It might have helped.

So, what do you think? I feel inspired by it, am want to find my niche in success. What am I passionate about? What is going to make me money? Not necessarily, make me rich, but at least make it so I'm not constantly thinking about how I'm going to pay bills, have a balance between fun and work, eat, etc.

Speaking of food, breakfast is necessary right now. I might even be inspired to post again later. Writing seems to be the only thing that I have passion for....now to figure out how I can make some $$ from something I love....